Hi
It has been months since I have written anything in any of my blogs and starting a new chapter in a new city sounded like a perfect opportunity to write to you all a little update. As well as put my thoughts down on something that has been at the back of my mind every day.
As you remember have been writing in Estonian for the past 10 years (yes launched my first blog when I was about 12/13 years old). But now living in the UK for the past 3 years, my everyday language is English and it is embarrassing how many grammar errors I make when I try to write anything in Estonian - so I decided to turn my whole online presence around from Estonian to English. Better for everyone and I feel much more confident too.
Anyway, Failure.
I think this year has been the most difficult and incredible year of my life at the same time. The self-criticism I have towards myself has made me feel like the biggest failure in the whole wide world. Starting from the fact that I graduated with a grade that I absolutely hate and still makes me cry, I am not proud of myself and my diploma is somewhere in the moving trash. To the point where I feel like I am not doing and I am not far enough in my career or personal life. Patience is something I've had to learn this year a lot.
Let's start from the beginning.
I have always thought in decades and 5-year blocks, and I have always dreamt of living and being a bigger-better person than I currently am. Beginning of the year I wrote down goals and desires that I wanted to accomplish this year with the mood board I have been making for the past 2 years now. I knew I was done with the UK just because I had done it for a little and it is time to move on - still know it. One of the goals I wrote down was "move away from the UK to a new big city where I live and never lived before". Well guess what I am still here, in the UK and I feel trapped again. The reality is that for 10 months I had no idea where I will be moving to and what my life will look like by the end of the year. The feeling that I do not belong anywhere is eating me inside out every day (the only place I have ever felt like I belong there is New York City). Failure.
Next, my personal life has been trash - the whole year or the past 10 years actually. I always thought that by the age of 25 I am married and have someone next to me who is equal to me and pushes me to be a better person every day, so we can take the world, and build an empire together. I recently figured out, after doing therapy, that my scarcity comes from my childhood - I do not trust men in my life because I have never had a father or a male/ husband figure in my home, so I run away and scare men away before something even happens. Now, when I work with men every day and have had an amazing family with me for the past 3 months, has been a real challenge to let someone help me, take care of me, and do nice things for me. At first, it was weird that there are men who take care of their families, and girlfriends, bringing food or driving them around. It is my next big challenge probably to be open and trust that there are men in the world who act like men, are great fathers and husbands and want to provide and protect for their families. Again failure.
Finally work/ career. I thought that when I graduate from university I have a lot of work opportunities next to me and I can choose whom to work with. My clientele is huge, I travel the world and have amazing events every weekend with my great new network. Well, guess what it is not like that at all. I see my go-graduates and friends do great things and host events or have their own businesses lined up, and then there is me who just tries to stay alive and get something done. I work with a company every day where I absolutely adore the people I have next to me, but I thought I would do more by now. I thought that I'd be working the fashion PR dream, organizing events across the world, traveling, and making money by inspiring people. my SM life had grown and doubled the audience as well as my social life, but no. Again Failure.
I have realized that I have huge expectations for myself and life, that more than every day I forget to relax and enjoy where I am. The hunger I have, to get, do and have more in life just puts me down and makes me feel like a failure every day. I know I should not but at the same time, it does motivate me to be and do better. The age of social media gets the best of me and sometimes I just want to delete everything and live a life under a rock or in a tree house somewhere in the middle of nowhere.
I think that sums up the life of a recent graduate who thought she would be much further away with her life by now. I have realized that I do need to change my group of people to be more classy, more educated, more known, and more successful. I see the world differently than most people - everything is possible for me and it frustrates me when people come with negativity and lack mindset, or I do not have people next to me to talk with about those things. I do not see that there is anything you can not do, but I feel there are too many people who put themselves down and make me feel like I am too delusional for the life I desire. Why would you ever think that is not possible?
Let me know your thoughts
Lislotte
Comments